I have been in Southern Illinois for nearly 2 years now and I still resist embracing it as “home”. I have had to assimilate my entire life to the pace of this place and I’ll be honest to say that I have been resentful toward many things here. Before I got married I was told that this new chapter wouldn’t be easy. I don’t know if I ever really took the time to contemplate what type of changes I’d have to make or how I would react if things turned out differently then I imagined. Did I really have much of a vision? I knew I didn’t want to stay here long. But what happens if I end up staying here longer than I anticipated. Will I continue to resent this place? I didn’t anticipate getting pregnant 5 months into marriage. Now that he’s here I wouldn’t turn back the clock if it meant not having him. He’s here and it has been an alarm on vibrate for me. Not loud and alarming, but the steady hum that makes you aware of things a little more than you did before. I mean this: Things have got more complicated with having a child. I really do have to think about accepting this place as a pernament home. I have to start embracing the idea of raising my child here. I’m so scared though. Why? Because I feel like there isn’t anyone here who really understands me. I am an Idaho girl. I went to University for 4 years. I lived in the fast paced college life and it is so foreign to life here and no one can identify with me. No one knows my past. They just know my present and they assume my future. I want to be fully understood. I should say here that I’m not completely against this place. Alot has grown on me. That also scares me, though. Will I get to a point where my past has no influence anymore?
Maybe I’m just really selfish and I should just embrace this place.
Embrace this Place. That could be a song.
I sit here and type with no direction. This is just an avenue to express my thoughts to no one inparticular. I don’t think anyone reads me here anyway. No one consistant. It would be nice to have an online community of friends that I can interact with on a deeper level. Oh but having a child takes so much time. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have internet myself. ha!
My heart yearns so badly to use this medium as my expression – my outlet, and I’m trying desparately to get the ball rolling.
Have you ever been in a place that you resented?
Have you ever found yourself trying to keep the train from leaving, taking you into a new chapter and leaving fond memories behind on the horizon?
Have you found yourself pleasantly surprised when you decided to “Let go and let God”?
That strikes a chord.
I heard from a great preacher once that it is important to “Bloom where you’re planted”. You end up missing out on alot when you’re where I am currently. It’s hard to know this in your head and convince your heart of its truth. I know the better way is to allow God to truly work in my life here – right here where he obviously has me. I struggle with finding the contentment in that truth though. I really do.
If anyone is out there and God brings you here and you have any thought regarding this – stuff – then please, please, let me hear you.
I don’t feel like myself, but maybe this is who I am and I have yet to discover me. Ha!
Till next time –
Life is flying by. One minute you’re a girl who longs for her prince charming to come along, the next moment you’re a girl who is engaged. The Lord has brought my prince charming along and I feel as though the Lord has blessed me much more than I deserve. The man the Lord has brought me is one-of-a-kind and wonderful to me. He treats me very well and loves the Lord so much. He pushes me closer to God all the time. He truly is concerned with my holiness and purity as is described in Ephesians 5, which is the job description for the position of “prince charming”. Continue reading
Hello all! Life has been really quite busy and I have finally gotten some relaxation. This post is going to be somewhat random. It shall start off with what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks, and then go on to talking about a potential future home for Danny and I.
Well, I started my new job on October 20th at Forever 21. The store didn’t open until the 24th though. When I got there on the 20th at 6pm I walked into a huge store that was completely empty except for all the other employed bodies. We had a few semi-truck loads of stuff to bring into the store. First it was all of the racks and stands and manicans (lots of these! …and they are in weird positions too..eh) and many MANY boxes of merchandise. We set the store up and then began opening the boxes. This was the first time I’ve ever seen Forever 21 clothing apart from quickly browsing through their website once. Interesting stuff! I worked the 21st, 22nd, and opening day – Friday the 24th. I also worked that Saturday and Sunday. The next week (last week) I worked Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday (for 8 1/2 hours..that’s the most i’ve ever worked at once!) and then yesterday. Ha! Just CRAZY!
I’m liking the job. I’m a sales associate right now. It’s kinda tough though because we are understaffed and so it means that fewer of us have to do more work. Yesterday 5 girls called in sick. I’m pretty excited to get my first big pay check though. Ha!
I’ve been so very dependent on my parents for so long that to have a little independence before I get married will be good. I’m really set on saving money since marriage isn’t far off and I dont want to regret how I spent my money that I earned. We are looking at homes to buy (well, technically HE is looking at it since it is 1500 miles away from me). Danny and I have been looking into a particular house that is quite inexpensive and on lots of land. I know we are going to have some remodeling to do. I’m excited! We’ll see how it goes, but it would be a great starter home. If it’s God’s will, and it becomes ours, I’ll let you know more about it.
On the topic of homeowning…I have a question to pose to all those silent readers out there. Since I am very new to this I truly have alot to learn. Any advice for looking for that first home? Any experiences you’d like to share? (I know some of you have SOMETHING you could offer *wink*)
That was just a quicky update. I have more to write but I shall devote that to its own entry! Yay!
I do understand that I am not an avid writer. I don’t write near as much as I truly desire to. Recently I’ve been reading alot of blogger’s sites and have so neglected my own. I have looked around and seen more styles of writing and I think I want to open up my horizons a bit farther. I want to work on my writing skills. I realize that when I write I’m just very blan and straight forward. I don’t often do many play on words or come up with crafty words to use. I want to really work on this. I just want to write about my life and what God is doing or just the things that I am dealing with.
So often I feel like I have to hold a certain persona when I blog. I feel like so many people look up to me here (yet I highly doubt I have very many regular readers at all…I can think of…2 people who might regularly – like maybe once a week – check out my blog to see if I’ve written anything. [Note: if you are a lurker reader then you really should speak up!])
I wrote a post a while back (like a month…ha!) that I was going to start a blog series on love. Alot has happened in a month and I have decided to prolong that series because I truly don’t know if I could do the topic justice. When I think about blogging, it always goes through my mind “Kristy, you have people waiting for these blogs – they want to hear about love” but then I think about the topic so much and want it to be so perfect that the blog never gets written. It will never be perfect enough. So I really dont think that planning blog series is my style. I do believe I write on a whim.
I’ve been regularly reading Kate’s Blog and have been so inspired and have experienced so much growth in my walk. By that, I mean that she will touch your heart strings. She will relieve tension when you need it by talking about her wonderful little boy. I’m sure Kate could write a weekly comic strip about her son – pictures and all. Her honesty has gotten me thinking alot about my own life and relationships and makes me want to be prepared for life as best as I can.
Now On With More Randomness
I have a question out there for ladies…
I consider myself a pretty happy person. I am fairly outgoing and rather goofy at times. I like to have fun but I like a balance. I just consider myself relatively upbeat and cheery. There are times though where I can be getting to thinking about something so deeply that I honestly think I’ve become someone else entirely. I feel apathetic and just really deep. Sometimes I don’t even know where this comes from and I get confused. When I have a feeling about something…when I just know that it makes me uncomfortable, I might not always be able to adequately explain why. I will just stew over it too. And I’ll just be in my own little world of confusion.
Now, do any other ladies deal with anything remotely similar to this? I understand I am probably being rather ambiguous and I apologize. I am directing it more at women because it seems like it is greatly tied to a woman’s thought process. My boyfriend thinks about things much differently than I do, but I guess that’s the beauty of relationships right? to balance one another?
Ah. Anywho. I will leave you all with this. This post is really…not much, but it’s a start. Feel free to comment. I’d greatly appreciate it. May God bless you!
So, I have a random story that I must share…
Last night I woke up around 3:55. The reason being that I felt something on my neck and being awake enough to know what I was doing yet more out of necessity, I went to brush it away (thinking it was some of my hair tickling my neck). Well…my fingers touched something very tangible and I knew it wasn’t my hair and I instantly reacted. I grabbed whatever it was and threw it towards my wall on the side of my bed and jumped up and turned on the light. I was wide awake. I have a pile of blankets and pillows next to my bed on the floor and against the wall. I thought it was a moth that was on my neck and so I began looking for it. I was quite cautious though because I wasn’t sure. Slowly I began lifting blankets and shaking them out gently (without unfolding them..) There was one particular blanket that was next to the pile and I turned it over just to find what I didn’t want to find…a spider. I grabbed a shoe and killed it. It didnt scurry away or anything, but it was alive. I went through the process of taking that pile of blankets to the room next to mine onto the guest bed. I cleaned up the dead spider and then proceeded to clean my whole room (paranoia). I didn’t find any more spiders. *sigh* I was up till at least 4:30am.
I still want to doubt that that spider was on my neck, yet when I uncovered it from under the blanket, it didn’t run away like a normal spider. It was stunned, and so I think my throwing it against the wall kinda gave it a headache.
I have decided to include a picture of the type of spider that it was. So if you are curious, click HERE (NOTE: viewer discretion is advised)
My apologies to all you ladies who I made squirm in their seats, but I couldn’t bear take the weight of this on my own shoulders….I need sympathy 😉
Well Hello!!! I am Kristy. It’s true! I’m currently 20 years old and am going for my degree in Stay-at-Home mom. I’m also getting an associates degree due to having begun school with no clear direction and realizing I’ve put myself (mostly my parents) in a place of financial obligation that demands that I have some sort of tangible reward for having wasted so much money. But, alas, it is not wasted because God places us where we are for a reason! Ha. May God be glorified as I get my associates!
Yay! Hey, another point about myself is I tend to get off on tangents and ramble, but I pray it all be for the glory of God! Ha. I do love my Jesus, and I do love discovering more and more how He has created men and women and I seek every day to understand more of what it means to be molded into a Biblical Christian Woman. Amen! I don’t boast to be a witty and crafty writer, but I do try to share my thoughts in such a way as to not bore and run off those who happen to stumble upon my little corner of the World Wide Web. Well, that’s a good start to knowing a smigit about me! Thanks for stoppin’ by!