Sometimes it is hard discerning where God wants you in life.
This has been one of my biggest struggles for such a long time. I graduated High School in 2005 and went off to Boise State University for college. While I was there I really began to have this fire start up within my soul. I began to understand the life of a Christian. I was going to so many Bible studies and I had a hunger, I just didn’t have the knowledge. So after just one year I went to a small Bible School here in the valley called Boise Bible College. I spent a year there. I learned so much about God’s precious Word, I had many things hindering my walk. One thing that I did not let go of was my depression.
I had dealt with depression for so long. I had always thought that I really didnt’ have much of a testimony because I’ve never really done anything bad as far as drugs, sex, alcohol, parties, and the like. I dont fight with my parents and there’s just alot that I’ve been protected from. Due to all this, like I said, I felt like I didn’t have much of a testimony, yet, there was always depression. It was a huge part of my life, but I just didn’t think about it as a bind. I was never suicidal but I had (what I believe) was Dysthymia. It’s a low-grade depression that is more a long-term day in day out type of depression. Just the lack of motivation and passion for life, yet doesnt exactly affect every single part of your existance. I still functioned and I still had friends, but when I got on a low, I could stay there for quite some time.
I learned while I was at the Bible college that you cannot try to fill your mind with knowledge of God’s Word unless you have a desire for it. I learned so much, yet my relationship with God didn’t exactly grow deeper. I was still depressed.
To make a long story short, this summer I have been released of that bondage. Praise God. God has ignited within me this fire that is burning and he has given me people to help guide me and set me straight and love on me and encourage me and really show me what it means to be refined by fire. It is a hard process, but you experience such growth through it.
(that depression bit was pretty much a tangent)
What I want to get at with this post is that I have been so undecided throughout my life since highschool. Like I said, I spent a year at Boise State, and I spent a year at Boise Bible, and now, I’m in my 3rd year of college, and I’m back at Boise State again. For a while I wanted to go into teaching secondary education in english, but that fire quickly faded. I thought I wanted to do counseling, but that fire faded as well. This summer, I decided I wanted to do something that involved helping people, and so I thought I could go into non-profit organizations, and then I was told by an academic advisor that I should go into sociology if I were to pursue that feild. I got into a soc. class, and discovered its not my thing, so that fire died too.
It’s tough to be in that spot again of having no idea where you are in life.
Then…I began to hear a still small voice. Has God ever spoken to you through your own words? He brings to your attention things that you’ve said, and through that, opens your eyes to his will?
“For a while I wanted”, “I thought I wanted”, “I decided I wanted”
Then I got it. Though my intentions were good, they weren’t good enough. I thought “Hey God, see, I think you could really use me in counseling! Yeah, people need Jesus there, God, and I could really open their eyes to alot of truths that you have for them.”
“Hey God, those highschool students really need you and I could really shine light into their lives for you and ya know, show them Jesus through my love for them. I could be a good role model for those highschool students, God, you could surely use me there!”
“Hey God, you can use me in non-profit organizations! That is a huge need, and I could be helping out so many hungry children or hurting mothers, God, and through you I could show them who you are through Jesus!”
I tried to think of a career that I thought God could use me in, instead of just quieting my spirit and listening for his voice. He never allowed a fire to burn for any of those careers because, I feel, he knew that my pride would overcome me.
God has a plan for me. I will do ministry in some way. I dont know where I’ll end up, or what I’ll be doing, but my work will be for his kingdom.
Its amazing how God can speak to those we hold dear to us. lol. I am told “God has a plan for you Kristy” and its almost as though they know something I dont. There is such assurance there, and it ignites within me that assurance that, yes, God does have a specific plan for me and he will use me and maximize my abilities to advance the kingdom, that is, if I am a willing vessel to be used.
So where am I going? I dont know. My parents want me to get a degree here at Boise State. My heart is not to get some career that earns me alot of money. I have seen money destroy lives. I do not want to bring that upon myself, nor my own family someday.
I think I will get my associates degree here, and then pursue ministry. God is my light. He will make my paths clear and I will serve him.
I want to thank those of you who kept up with this random post. I really had no plan of what to write…i just..wrote. But this is me, and this is what God has laid on my heart.
Seek God always. (so i was just sitting here thinking of a verse somewhere in the Bible that talks about making our paths straight, and I really didn’t know where it would be. I grabbed my Bible and thought “Proverbs would be a good place to start looking for it.” Second page I turn to and BAM: –>)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Thanks for spending this time with me inside my heart and head 🙂
May you be blessed today.