Venting

It is so incredibly important for us as Christians to speak words of encouragement and life. There is so much negativity in today’s world that we must make it our aim to yearn after Godliness.

I struggle in venting my negative emotions to people close to me or my journal. It is an outlet that lets me indulge in my unrighteousness (read: sinful) attitudes, as I attempt to justify myself. I search for ways that I have been wronged once I have exhausted my current woes.

When I write them, I am creating a physical form of my frustrations – I have made them seem concrete, more real, and the same ungodly heart that pens those fleeting feelings of outrage and injustice now is permanently encased within those pages, so that once they are read in the future, the words have the power to draw up lost, painful, and again – sinful – thoughts and attitudes that take hold and reign over my spirit. What a sinful trap I set up for myself!

When I choose a more personal means of venting my darkened thoughts – and choose my compassionate victim, I can do more damage then I care to fully know. After I have chosen my particular canvas to vent to, I choose my paint. First I choose pea green and toss it all over the open, understanding, blank white canvas. I begin smearing it with my hands and elbows. In my hurt and frustration I choose fushia (a particular color of irritation) and begin to smear it back and forth with my forehead across the not-so-white canvas. Back and forth – back and forth. Next comes the color teal. I dip both hands in and with one finger try to portray a particular point a certain way but…ack! It’s not coming out right! And in burning frustration I grab the canvas and throw it down to the floor where I immediately begin clawing at it. *sigh* I’ve ruined it. I tried to paint a picture but nothing came out how I intended it to and now I’ve left my mark – my impression – and looked like a fool in the process. I meant well, I just needed to express myself, but I have stolen the clean slate – the unblemished whiteness. It will take a lot of work to clean up my mess.

So often, I go to someone and spew out negativity of situations I face, people I know, and blame my attitude on my bad day…or the dog. What do I do about my witness for the Lord Jesus Christ? In my moment of weakness I self-indulge in my blind fury of selfish emotions and as many words that I say to try to justify myself, I know better – I know Jesus paid the greatest price to make me strong and wise by the word planted within me, and I tread on the cross of Christ when I use my weakness to try to build myself up, rather then build Christ up (aka – give Him glory in my weakness).

So, to all you who have witnessed my ugly witness, forgive me. Forgive me for robbing you of the opportunity to hear how the Lord has blessed me in my hurt, anger, confusion, and ultimately my sinfulness. Humbleness, not pride, is what is attractive to the Lord. He strengthens my soul when I reach the end of myself and submit to Him. Venting is grown from the seed of selfishness, and I don’t want to eat its fruit anymore.

So I have this pea green, fushia, and teal mess – still wet and dripping, and now it is being covered in brilliant red – which is the blood of Jesus, and I pray that His redeeming, and transforming blood will cover all who has been the canvas of one who was a bad Christian example. My heart beats as one who desperately wants to make a difference in people’s lives, and one of the first steps is not living a double life.

I’m not advocating stuffing yours or my feelings deep inside of us and never seeking help and guidance. That can leave someone feeling isolated and alone. But if I am spewing out garbage and rejecting any form of cleanup, then I am detrimental to myself and others. You could help me, as well as others, by not allowing yourself to be this landfill for someone’s emotions and attitudes. Try to implement a recycling approach by taking what they are saying and turning it around and showing them that it’s not really garbage, it’s just the dark lens they are choosing to view it as.

Disclaimer: I like the colors pea green, fushia, and teal. They are perfectly acceptable in my book.

{Kristy}


How do you let go?

I have been in Southern Illinois for nearly 2 years now and I still resist embracing it as “home”. I have had to assimilate my entire life to the pace of this place and I’ll be honest to say that I have been resentful toward many things here. Before I got married I was told that this new chapter wouldn’t be easy. I don’t know if I ever really took the time to contemplate what type of changes I’d have to make or how I would react if things turned out differently then I imagined. Did I really have much of a vision? I knew I didn’t want to stay here long. But what happens if I end up staying here longer than I anticipated. Will I continue to resent this place? I didn’t anticipate getting pregnant 5 months into marriage. Now that he’s here I wouldn’t turn back the clock if it meant not having him. He’s here and it has been an alarm on vibrate for me. Not loud and alarming, but the steady hum that makes you aware of things a little more than you did before. I mean this: Things have got more complicated with having a child. I really do have to think about accepting this place as a pernament home. I have to start embracing the idea of raising my child here. I’m so scared though. Why? Because I feel like there isn’t anyone here who really understands me. I am an Idaho girl. I went to University for 4 years. I lived in the fast paced college life and it is so foreign to life here and no one can identify with me. No one knows my past. They just know my present and they assume my future. I want to be fully understood.  I should say here that I’m not completely against this place. Alot has grown on me. That also scares me, though. Will I get to a point where my past has no influence anymore?

Maybe I’m just really selfish and I should just embrace this place.

Embrace this Place. That could be a song.

I sit here and type with no direction. This is just an avenue to express my thoughts to no one inparticular. I don’t think anyone reads me here anyway. No one consistant. It would be nice to have an online community of friends that I can interact with on a deeper level. Oh but having a child takes so much time. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have internet myself. ha!

My heart  yearns so badly to use this medium as my expression – my outlet, and I’m trying desparately to get the ball rolling.

Have you ever been in a place that you resented?

Have you ever found yourself trying to keep the train from leaving, taking you into a new chapter and leaving fond memories behind on the horizon?

Have you found yourself pleasantly surprised when you decided to “Let go and let God”?

That strikes a chord.

I heard from a great preacher once that it is important to “Bloom where you’re planted”. You end up missing out on alot when you’re where I am currently. It’s hard to know this in your head and convince your heart of its truth. I know the better way is to allow God to truly work in my life here – right here where he obviously has me. I struggle with finding the contentment in that truth though. I really do.

If anyone is out there and God brings you here and you have any thought regarding this – stuff – then please, please, let me hear you.

I don’t feel like myself, but maybe this is who I am and I have yet to discover me. Ha!

Till next time –

K


New Blog in Town!

Hey all, I have a new blog that I’d like to invite you all to. It’s called “Treasure Every Moment” at treasureeverymoment.wordpress.com

There I will jot down my musings on motherhood, mainly, but I’m sure other topics might emerge.

Head on over and let me know what you think. As of the writing of this post the site is rather new and simple but I am hoping it will evolve into a very beautiful and memorable corner of my life.

God bless!

-Kristy


Whoa Baby!

Baby Bump

Here I am at 35 Weeks.

I am having a baby in 4 weeks. I can hardly believe it. Even a few moments ago he was squirming within me and part of me wants him to just CHILL out because it feels really odd, but then I get this peace and this joy because I know he’s alive and well. There he is, all curled up within me, safe and sound. I regret that I have not chronicled more of my pregnancy here and talked of life. It’s hard when you don’t have internet connection of your own and you have to use your in-law’s connection. That’s really no excuse but it’s hard to think about stuff like this at times.

Hubby and I have yet to pick a name for the little guy. That’s frustrating, but I’m sure God will reveal to us the perfect name.

I went to the doctor last Thursday we found out my blood pressure was 140/84. On July 26th it was 130/70. My doctor was concerned of it rising so much and wants me to take it easy. Tomorrow I go back to see how i’m doing. I’ve been trying to take it easy and drink more water and I have indeed not been eating the best as I could. The baby’s room is yet to be done and that’s been on my mind alot. I’m still trying to clear the room out of all our stuff. My little box house has no storage space so i’m having to figure things out as I go. I’ll truly try to get pictures of the room once it’s done.

Well, this was just a short update. Hope you’re doing well (“You” as in, whoever stumbles upon this site *smile*)

♥ Kristy


“An Unloved Woman” revisited

Hello all!

I’ve been hibernating, it would seem, but all it took was one comment from a hurting woman to get me right back in here. The one post that I still get comments from while I’ve been away has been “An Unloved Woman” where I copied an original post from someone else. Over time, I have had a change of opinion regarding what he has said and have updated that original post. I would love to know what you all think, so please head on over there to read my updates before the quoted post from Jason and let’s get a dialogue going.  :)

Click here for the original and updated version of “An Unloved Woman”.

Thanks for your participation!

♥ Kristy


Dear Jesus, Life in marriage can indeed be hard…

I find myself rejoicing in it one moment and crying bitterly the next. I struggle with my consistency of contentment. I am side-winded (is that a word or did I make that up?) by unmet expectations, unplanned changes, miscommunication, and my own blatant sin of selfishness. What I marvel at, though, is how much my relationship with my husband deeply reflects my relationship with You, Jesus. I am a rollercoaster in my devotion to You. I praise You when times feel right but I fail to praise You when times feel wrong. I am put out when I feel my prayers aren’t answered. I reel back when I consider that I could be wrong in my judgements and assessments of what  Your plan is for my life and for my husband’s life. I feel inadequate when I cannot discern Your voice amongst all the others in my life. Often it is my own voice I choose to listen to. sometimes I just can’t tell who to listen to. I am thrown down (but not destroyed) when it is my own sin that blocks the intimacy I so greatly desire to have with You. In those times I can throw no blame to anyone else but myself. That is when I struggle to allow humbleness to have its way with me.

Jesus, what a beautiful picture marriage can be when it reflects an upright, intimate, and humble relationship with You. And what a dark and foreboding picture it paints when sin and the lion are allowed into the home. It is indeed a dark picture, not to mention a bad witness, of Your design and purpose for us. What picture we paint of marriage on earth no doubt is a reflection of the ultimate reality of our marriage in heaven with the Lamb of God.

Lord, help me in my quest (for lack of a better term that I can think of right now) to be drawn by Your Spirit while beating down the Devil with the weapons You have equipped me with. Help me put my messed up priorities straight so You can do your work in my life.

I love You and praise You.

In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,

Amen


Hopefully soon?

I got on WordPress with the intention of writing something about how I can’t wait for my baby to meet the family and I can start writing about mommyhood, but before beginning, I thought I’d check up on a favorite fellow blogger and got so involved in my comment to a post that now I’m burnt out. I haven’t blogged at all in so long that I gotta ween back into it, I suppose. Maybe it’s this baby inside me making me tired all the time. Ha. Ok, bad excuse. Anywho. I’ll think up of something wonderful to write about and try to get it on here in the next year or so (haha).

Love you, invisible readers.

♥ Kristy