I have been in Southern Illinois for nearly 2 years now and I still resist embracing it as “home”. I have had to assimilate my entire life to the pace of this place and I’ll be honest to say that I have been resentful toward many things here. Before I got married I was told that this new chapter wouldn’t be easy. I don’t know if I ever really took the time to contemplate what type of changes I’d have to make or how I would react if things turned out differently then I imagined. Did I really have much of a vision? I knew I didn’t want to stay here long. But what happens if I end up staying here longer than I anticipated. Will I continue to resent this place? I didn’t anticipate getting pregnant 5 months into marriage. Now that he’s here I wouldn’t turn back the clock if it meant not having him. He’s here and it has been an alarm on vibrate for me. Not loud and alarming, but the steady hum that makes you aware of things a little more than you did before. I mean this: Things have got more complicated with having a child. I really do have to think about accepting this place as a pernament home. I have to start embracing the idea of raising my child here. I’m so scared though. Why? Because I feel like there isn’t anyone here who really understands me. I am an Idaho girl. I went to University for 4 years. I lived in the fast paced college life and it is so foreign to life here and no one can identify with me. No one knows my past. They just know my present and they assume my future. I want to be fully understood. I should say here that I’m not completely against this place. Alot has grown on me. That also scares me, though. Will I get to a point where my past has no influence anymore?
Maybe I’m just really selfish and I should just embrace this place.
Embrace this Place. That could be a song.
I sit here and type with no direction. This is just an avenue to express my thoughts to no one inparticular. I don’t think anyone reads me here anyway. No one consistant. It would be nice to have an online community of friends that I can interact with on a deeper level. Oh but having a child takes so much time. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have internet myself. ha!
My heart yearns so badly to use this medium as my expression – my outlet, and I’m trying desparately to get the ball rolling.
Have you ever been in a place that you resented?
Have you ever found yourself trying to keep the train from leaving, taking you into a new chapter and leaving fond memories behind on the horizon?
Have you found yourself pleasantly surprised when you decided to “Let go and let God”?
That strikes a chord.
I heard from a great preacher once that it is important to “Bloom where you’re planted”. You end up missing out on alot when you’re where I am currently. It’s hard to know this in your head and convince your heart of its truth. I know the better way is to allow God to truly work in my life here – right here where he obviously has me. I struggle with finding the contentment in that truth though. I really do.
If anyone is out there and God brings you here and you have any thought regarding this – stuff – then please, please, let me hear you.
I don’t feel like myself, but maybe this is who I am and I have yet to discover me. Ha!
Till next time -
K
